Who's The Daddy

House renovations are all well and good but when they put new mirrors up, that’s when you’ve really got to watch yourself.

By Michael Gardner
Wednesday, 11th May 2022, 8:32 am
Updated Wednesday, 11th May 2022, 8:33 am
Magnifying mirrors should come with a warning label on the normal side, flipping it over and seeing your reflection in 4K Ultra HD is a shock to the system

After eight days of expert toil from a highly trained professional who truly knows what they’re doing (as opposed to yours truly who absolutely does not) our new bathroom was officially declared open with a celebratory wee in our pristine white convenience.

One of the bells and whistles in the smallest room is a proper, grown-up shaving mirror that’s screwed to the wall. When you get to my age, these things should come with a warning label on the normal side - something like Disturbing Content, Viewer Discretion Advised - so when you flip it over you don’t give yourself a nasty surprise, faint and bang your head on the sink.

Seeing your reflection in 4K Ultra HD is a shock to the system. This mirror of ours is roughly 5x magnification, ideal for the perfect shave, absolutely terrifying when you’ve never seen your ageing, middle-aged face in such lurid, unforgiving detail.

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When you get to a certain age you deserve the face you’ve got. In my case, wrinkles like the tread on a brand new car tyre.

Still, our plumber did a bang-up job. And we’ll miss his excellent taste in music (Radio X, they’ve only got about 20 records and five of them are by a Gallagher brother and another four are by Muse), his close harmonies and whistling along to indie bangers.

Maybe it’s because of our age, but we had the bath ripped out and replaced with a shower. We’re not quite ready for a rail on the wall in case we have a fall but installation will be quite straightforward when we do.

The only ones who used the old bath were daughter #2 on her occasional visits home from uni and the dog, when we trick him into the bathroom for a hot soapy wash after he’s rolled in something he really shouldn’t have. When you first move into a new house, don’t bother hosting a party or a barbecue to get to know your new neighbours. Just hire a skip and they’ll be drawn to your new place like flies around s***.

Can’t be bothered going to the tip? Why bother when you can chuck your battered old sofa in next door’s skip when you think no one’s looking?

This happened to the boss’ sister a few years ago in the days before people had cameras in their doorbells.

Our neighbours are too nice to take advantage but to a man were all glad to chuck their old junk in when offered.