Ricky Gervais' monologue at the Golden Globes in full – and his best jokes

Monday, 6th January 2020, 10:40 am
Updated Monday, 6th January 2020, 10:42 am

Ricky Gervais went down swinging in his fifth and final time hosting the Golden Globes, with another controversial opening monologue.

Just hours before winners including Olivia Colman, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Taron Egerton, and Sir Sam Mendes clambered into their limos home with gold in hand, they were squirming in their seats.

Thankfully, none of the above came into the comic's firing line, but Gervais' opening diatribe wasn't so kind on other targets like Joe Pesci, Leonardo DiCaprio, Cats, and The Two Popes.

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Ricky Gervais' monologue at the Golden Globes 2020 in full:

"Hello and welcome to the 77th annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel here in Los Angeles. I’m Ricky Gervais, thank you.

"You’ll be pleased to know this is the last time I’m hosting these awards, so I don’t care anymore. I’m joking. I never did. I’m joking, I never did. NBC clearly don’t care either — fifth time.

"I mean, Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars for some offensive tweets — hello?

"Lucky for me, the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely speak English and they’ve no idea what Twitter is, so I got offered this gig by fax.

"Let’s go out with a bang, let’s have a laugh at your expense. Remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no sequel, so remember that.

"But you all look lovely all dolled up. You came here in your limos. I came here in a limo tonight and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman.

"No, shush. It’s her daughter I feel sorry for. OK? That must be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to her. And her dad was in Wild Hogs.

"Lots of big celebrities here tonight. Legends. Icons. This table alone - Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro... Baby Yoda. Oh, that’s Joe Pesci, sorry. I love you man. Don’t have me whacked.

"But tonight isn’t just about the people in front of the camera. In this room are some of the most important TV and film executives in the world.

"People from every background. They all have one thing in common: They’re all terrified of Ronan Farrow. He’s coming for ya.

"Talking of all you perverts, it was a big year for paedophile movies. Surviving R. Kelly, Leaving Neverland, Two Popes. Shut up. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care.

"Many talented people of colour were snubbed in major categories. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about that. Hollywood Foreign press are all very racist. Fifth time.

"So. We were going to do an In-Memoriam this year, but when I saw the list of people who died, it wasn’t diverse enough.

"No, it was mostly white people and I thought, nah, not on my watch. Maybe next year. Let’s see what happens.

"No one cares about movies anymore. No one goes to cinema, no one really watches network TV. Everyone is watching Netflix.

"This show should just be me coming out, going, 'Well done Netflix. You win everything. Good night.' But no, we got to drag it out for three hours.

"You could binge-watch the entire first season of Afterlife instead of watching this show. That’s a show about a man who wants to kill himself cause his wife dies of cancer and it’s still more fun than this.

"Spoiler alert, season two is on the way so in the end he obviously didn’t kill himself. Just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up. I know he’s your friend but I don’t care.

"Seriously, most films are awful. Lazy. Remakes, sequels. I’ve heard a rumour there might be a sequel to Sophie’s Choice.

"I mean, that would just be Meryl just going, 'Well, it’s gotta be this one then.' All the best actors have jumped to Netflix, HBO.

"And the actors who just do Hollywood movies now do fantasy-adventure nonsense. They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes.

"Their job isn’t acting anymore. It’s going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids, really. Have we got an award for most ripped junky? No point, we’d know who’d win that.

"Martin Scorsese made the news for his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise. He said they’re not real cinema and they remind him about theme parks.

"I agree. Although I don’t know what he’s doing hanging around theme parks. He’s not big enough to go on the rides. He’s tiny.

"The Irishman was amazing. It was amazing. It was great. Long, but amazing. It wasn’t the only epic movie. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, nearly three hours long.

"Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere and by the end his date was too old for him. Even Prince Andrew was like, 'Come on, Leo, mate.You’re nearly 50-something.'

"The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. He was also in the movie Cats. No one saw that movie. And the reviews, shocking. I saw one that said, 'This is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs.'

"But Dame Judi Dench defended the film saying it was the film she was born to play because she loves nothing better than plunking herself down on the carpet, lifting her leg and licking her ass. (Coughs) Hairball. She’s old-school.

"It’s the last time, who cares? Apple roared into the TV game with The Morning Show, a superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing, made by a company that runs sweatshops in China.

"Well, you say you’re woke but the companies you work for in China — unbelievable. Apple, Amazon, Disney. If ISIS started a streaming service you’d call your agent, wouldn’t you?

"So if you do win an award tonight, don’t use it as a platform to make a political speech. You’re in no position to lecture the public about anything.

"You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg.

"So if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent, and your God and f*** off, OK? It’s already three hours long.

"Right, let’s do the first award."

And Gervais' best jokes from the rest of the night:

"Knives Out has three nominations tonight. See what can happen when you don't dress people up as Cats?"

"In a moment we're going to see a short clip from The Irishman. It's 88 minutes long."

"Bird Box. A movie where people survive by acting like they don't see a thing. Sort of like working for Harvey Weinstein."

On Jason Momoa: "I've got nothing negative to say about these next two presenters because the big one could snap me in half."

The full list of Golden Globes 2020 winners

Golden Globe TV winners

Best Comedy Series - FleabagBest Performance by an Actor in a Television Series (Drama) - Brian Cox, SuccessionBest Performance by an Actress in a Television Series (Drama) - Olivia Colman, The CrownBest Performance by an Actor in a Television Series (Musical or Comedy) Ramy Youssef, RamyBest Performance by an Actress in a Television Series (Musical or Comedy) - Phoebe Waller-Bridge, FleabagBest Performance by an Actor in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television - Russell Crowe, The Loudest VoiceBest Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television - Michelle Williams, Fosse/VerdonBest Television Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television - ChernobylBest Television Series (Drama) - SuccessionBest Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television - Patricia Arquette, The ActBest Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television - Stellan Skarsgard, Chernobyl

Golden Globe film winners

Best Motion Picture (Drama) - 1917Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture (Drama) - Renee Zellweger, JudyBest Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture (Drama) - Joaquin Phoenix, JokerBest Motion Picture (Musical or Comedy) - Once Upon A Time... In HollywoodBest Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture (Musical or Comedy) - Awkwafina, The FarewellBest Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture (Musical or Comedy) - Taron Egerton, RocketmanBest Motion Picture (Animated) - Missing LinkBest Motion Picture (Foreign Language) - Parasite, South KoreaBest Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in Any Motion Picture - Laura Dern, Marriage StoryBest Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in Any Motion Picture - Brad Pitt, Once Upon A Time... In HollywoodBest Director (Motion Picture) - Sam Mendes, 1917Best Original Song (Motion Picture) - I'm Gonna Love Me Again, Rocketman (Music by Sir Elton John, lyrics by Bernie Taupin)Best Screenplay - Quentin Tarantino (Once Upon A Time... In HollywoodBest Original Score - Hildur Gudnadottir, Joker

Originally published on iNews