40 of the funniest jokes and one-liners from North West comedians on Lancashire Day

It's Lancashire day! And we're celebrating everything that makes our corner of the north-west great.

Wednesday, 27th November 2019, 1:49 pm
Updated Wednesday, 27th November 2019, 3:24 pm
(Photos: Getty)
(Photos: Getty)

The annual celebration of all things Lanky is expected to see more people than ever raising a glass in tribute to the Red Rose county.

Last year the campaign to highlight Lancashire Day went viral on social media, reaching an estimated audience of 173m - almost 100m more than 2017. And this year the chances are it could attract an even bigger response.

From food and culture, to the people of this great land, everything is being celebrated, and it's worth Lancashire has produced many a fine comic over the years.

Sign up to our daily newsletter

From Eric Sykes to Stan Laurel, Victoria Wood to Peter Kay, that Lancashire sense of humour has been alive and well in comedy for years.

We've picked out four of the best Lancashire comedians past and present, and selected some of their finest lines to keep you smiling on this fine day.

Peter Kay

"There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when your hand or head is stuck in something."

"You never know where to look when eating a banana."

"Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?"

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea - they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals."

"A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, 'Sorry we don't serve food in here.'"

"So this bloke says to me, 'Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?' I thought, "'That's all I need - a Je-hoover's witness.'"

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."

"A friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library. He was lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said, 'Shh!'"

"So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, 'That's a turtle disaster.'

Lee Mack

"We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out."

"I've always wanted to kidnap the ex-professional tennis player Pat Cash, so after his family pays the ransom I can ring them up and ask them 'do you want cash back?'"

"I actually got mugged in Limerick. That's the place by the way - not the style. I don't mean someone came up to me and went: 'Hello my name is Pete, I'm standing in the street, don't be rash, give me your cash or I'll kick you in the teeth.'"

"I’m in a relationship at the moment. Sorry girls... it’s going to have to be your place."

"My wife, she's carrying our first child. He’s eight, the lazy little..."

"I remember the last thing my Nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’"

"A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’. She said ‘question number 1: have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.'"

"Two blind fellows walk into a wall."

"I went to see a handwriting expert last week, she could tell I was laid-back, gullible and well-off just from a signature on a cheque."

"We had a bite to eat around the corner. Horse and Hounds - I won't be ordering that again."

Victoria Wood

"People think I hate sex. I don't. I just don't like things that stop you seeing the television properly."

"I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry."

"A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down, and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet."

"The Italians have got opera, the Spanish have got flamenco dancing. What have we got? Weight Watchers."

"My children won't even eat chips because some clever so-and-so at school told them potato was a vegetable."

"I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped but I've been driving that Peugeot for years."

"Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side."

"You can't have a masseur called Harold. That's like having a member of the Royal Family called Ena."

"Everybody in my class at school was enormous. They had to stop us doing cross country running because we dented a viaduct."

[On bunking off from P.E.] "One girl never went swimming. She always had her period. In the end they sent someone round from the Guinness Book of Records."

Ken Dodd

"Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed."

"I used to think I was marvellous in bed - until I discovered all my girlfriends suffered from asthma."

"I've done some brave things in my time. I played Nottingham Labour Club. I was the one who shouted 'Three cheers for Mrs Thatcher'. And it was during the bingo."

"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it."

"Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel."

"I always feel at home in theatres like this, because we're about the same age."

"My Dad always knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, 'Is this a joke?'"

"Five out of every three people have trouble understanding fractions."

"I told the Inland Revenue I don't owe them a penny. I live by the seaside."

"Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it..."