Very best of health Donald for your new job

A crack medical team, I’m talking about.

Did you see that wild-haired codger who surfaced during the campaign, identifying as Trump’s personal physician, to validate his health?

I would love to believe that was an Internet hoax, but who can be sure these days? All I know is that this beatnik quack CANNOT be left in post as all that stands between the Western world and a Mike Pence presidency.

We need the best. The very best. Cream of the clinician crop.

For cracked though it clearly is, we need that nut Trump upright for four years, at least. Because Pence is Trump’s left wing shooter insurance. Plug me?

GET THAT.

Pence is Old Testament.

Pence is homosexuality cured through the miracle of prayer and electricity.

Pence is Roe vs Wade overturned and latter-day Vera Drakes setting up in the lounge while terrified girls swill gin in a scalding hot bath.

Pence is kids being taught that Jurassic Park 1-3 were sent to test their faith in apples and talking snakes.

But of course, it doesn’t need a gun to put this righteous God-head in the Oval Office.

Trump is knocking on and, to be frank, looks in absolutely dreadful shape.

He’s packing major heft about the midsection, a stellar heart attack risk in a man of his years.

More years it might petrify you to learn, at 70, than any of his 44 predecessors.

Meaning we need the A Team of American medicine on Trump’s tail 24-7.

We need him on a low fat, high fibre, low sugar diet as of right now.

We need him on a strict exercise regime. A daily jog would be a good start. Not outside though. Too many grassy knolls. Get him a treadmill. I’ll chuck in. Some barbells too, maybe a Bullworker.

Otto van Bismarck once famously remarked that “there is a Providence that protects idiots, drunkards, children and the United States of America”.

Ladies and gentlemen the Don ticks at least two of those boxes, and I’d argue this is all far too important to leave to mere luck.