Who's The Daddy: What I’d tell my younger self (and my daughters)

I’ve been an actual idiot for most of my adult life, pretty much from acid house to Covid. Talented enough to have gone professional, experts say, but redeemed by the love of a fantastic woman and two great kids.

Here’s a few things that I wish to God someone had told me when I was young and particularly stupid, and I’d had the good sense to actually listen.

1 – The Drink. Avoid. A riot in your teens, funny in your 20s, a crutch in your 30s, hard work in your 40s and lethal in your 50s. Are those first 20 minutes when you’re soaring with your ancestors worth a written-off Sunday with your head in the bog, followed by days of crippling anxiety? No, they are not. Every stupid thing I’ve ever done has been in drink. An actual poison that’s a complete waste of time and money. Cut it from your life and watch it improve quicker than you could ever imagine.

2 – Work is a place where you earn money. That’s all. Don’t make it out to be any more than that. Your co-workers and boss may well be wonderful people but, with very few exceptions, they are not your friends. If you died tomorrow, your company would advertise your job before you’re in the ground - that’s if your work isn’t shared out between your former colleagues who will never mention your name again a week after your funeral. The only people who care about you either raised you or live under your roof. Start on time, leave on time, take your holidays, and do your job well. That’s it. Don’t be a martyr, they set fire to those and watch them burn.

3 – Exercise is very important, but not quite as important as diet. Basically, stick to a Mediterranean diet and you’ll be OK. Sugar’s the big killer, not fat. And leave ultra-processed food alone. I say food, most of it isn’t what your granny would recognise as such. As for exercise, lots of stretching (Pilates, yoga), high intensity interval training (spin) to rod your veins like a blocked drain, lift weights, and plenty of walking. Get a dog, they’re the best things in the world.

4 – Relationships. Caitlin Moran nailed it when she wrote: “Don’t marry a c***.” That’s the best advice on married life I’ve ever heard. I’ve seen good people’s lives ruined because they married the wrong person. Choose your spouse like you would a job, but x10. You can leave a job with a few weeks’ notice, but divorce is very expensive and it’ll smash your heart into tiny little pieces.

5 – Money. Important but only a tool. Save and invest 15% of your take home pay every month into a Socks & Shares ISA or ETF and you’ll have FU money before you know it (well, six figures after about 11 years, and then it rockets). If you follow Dave Ramsey’s 7 Baby Steps you won’t go far wrong. Stay out of debt and don’t buy crap you can’t afford - particularly cars. Never borrow money if you can avoid it, and certainly not to buy a depreciating asset.

6 – Friends will come and go, but if you’re lucky enough to get to my age and still have ones from your youth who can remember what you were like when you were young, they are solid gold. Never let them go.

7 – And basically, that’s it. 56 years of knowledge distilled into one column, which I write for three reasons - my own amusement, they pay me, and I know for a fact our grown-and-flown daughters read it every week, so it’s basically a letter to them.

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