Rerouting destination nowhere

Life has all got a bit shaky hasn’t it?

In this exact moment, sat in the car wondering where and how it had come to this, suddenly it hit, maybe being unable to get in the home/school/workplace/ was some sort of sign.

Dwelling on the reality of the present has not been helping – why not enjoy the ride and get back to the initial vision and, in fact, the goals which had been set as lockdown first began?

That had been working out quite well.

For example, I now know exactly what is in the loft and garage for the first time since moving here nearly six years ago.

Discoveries have been made around our neighbourhood – survival does not depend on takeaway coffee and, with exception of parties, there’s no need to endure soft play centres, with the kids having the time of their lives outside come rain or shine.

Turbulence passes when you’re on a plane, so this is/was clearly the rocky period.

It crept over the past fortnight and the lull has been really hard to get a grip of.

Make memories with the little ones, don’t worry about the schoolwork comes the message, among the reams of home schoolwork sent our way. Times two.

That has been wrapped in guilt and the hours of the working day, difficult to manage at full capacity, add a cup more guilt.

None of the usual activities which keep work, life, parenting separated. Netball. Just an hour of netball is desperately needed.

Evenings spent in a strange exhaustion and your own company.

Summing it up to a friend, I said I now can’t even live with me.

It was a colleague in an email, picking up on an article that had clearly been put together in a challenging moment that the throwing of the hands in the air and yells of ‘giving up’ came oh so close.

But I haven’t. It’s taken another couple of days and dad telling me he’d spent an hour searching the whole house for his glasses while wearing them, and a whole lot more mishaps among friends to finally realise, it’s not just me.

Being hard on one’s self doesn’t make it better. Embracing the reality, rolling with it for now is what is needed.

Back in the comfort of my usual self and home (keys retrieved from between the car seats) ready to begin again.

That, for now, will do