Remote Control - Saturday 28 March 2014

It’s been an odd old week and a bit on the telly, but nothing as odd as the news.

First we had the budget being anaylised by White Dee off Benefits Street – and amazingly she spoke more sense than the Chancellor.

How Geroge Osborne can seriously expect us to believe his budgetary plans will help the average punter is beyond poverty porn.

Will the average Lancastrian benefit from the increase in the au pair allowance to £2,000 for those of you who spend £10,000 on child care?

How about the first-time buyers struggling to get on the property ladder – well you lot can cash in on the extension to the Help to Buy scheme?

All you have to do is find 5 per cent of the value of a £600,000 house then the taxpayers will stump up a 15 per cent deposit.

All you need then is £30,000.

You have got that haven’t you?

But you will be better off by being able to save up to £15,000 in ISAs, shares and stocks.

Strewth. Me neither.

Ms Dee Kelly called on the Prime Minister to visit her area to see how ‘normal’ people live.

The single mother of two, who is certified depressed and claims benefits, called for a cap on housing benefits because there’s “an awful ot of being paid to privately-rented properties” and she wants the minimum wage to go up to be in line with the cost of living.

She refused to dismissstanding for Parliament, adding we need more people in positions of power who have an understanding of what real people needs.

And that isn’t tax breaks for those plotting £600,000 property purchases, spending £10,000 on nannies or investing £15,000 in the stock markets.

To highlight their detachment, on Monday our prime minister was captured heading off to some important meeting in Brussels, having the door held open for him by a cross between a Harlequin and a medieval castle gatekeeper.

I’m sure the cheese course was lovely, and complemented by a wonderfully full-bodied merlot.

Then William Hague was upping the anti over Crimea.

He’s gone from diplomatic threats to unquantified stepping up of diplomatic threats.

His sabre rattling, no doubt, including off camera mild cussing, was wholey ignored by Russia.

Maybe he should have maraca rattled.

Because, and perhaps more bonkers than Hague’s show of weakness, was Mark Berry, better known as Bez the ‘percussionist’ from the Happy Mondays, saying he is planning to stand for Parliament at the next election.

He told Andrew Neil about his plans to fight for the Salford and Eccles seat on an anti-fracking ticket.

And for a bugged-eye lunatic dancer, he spoke more sense than the average backbencher.

Speaking on BBC One’s Sunday Politics, Bez, who described the extraction of shale gas as “dangerous” and damaging to the environment “all in the name of profit”.

He added: “With a bit of luck, I might be able to shame Labour politicians to do the job properly and stick up for the rights of the people.”

He even promised a sensible use of parliamentary allowances.

Who’s mad?

Alan Burrows