Pole vaulting closed borders

He has his heart set on discovering new cultures and experiences.

All very adventurous, I’m sure, but this is from a teenager who can’t find the dishwasher from our dining table.

As ever, the broadening of Son Number One’s mind comes with a shrinking of dad’s coffers.

“I need injections,” he said. “200 quid.”

Does his mind have to be broadened by that much? Isn’t there a narrower option?

Turns out most of the injections are free, but there’s one that costs the equivalent of weekend in Butlins (the narrower of the mind-broadening travel I hoped he’d take).

My mind-broadening travels didn’t take me far in my youth.

I wanted to find myself in Australia, but unfortunately found myself in a Metro station in Jarrow before I reached the airport.

His wanderlust couldn’t have been better timed.

Brexit and coronavirus is closing borders at a rate of knots. Forget passports and vaccines, proficiency in pole vaulting is your best bet for getting over borders. Kids these days are more germ conscious, of course. You may have noticed them placing orders on the McDonald’s touch screens using their knuckles rather than fingers.

My son does it all the time.

“Fingertips pass germs from your hand to your mouth,” he said. Maybe, but I’ve seen him pick his nose with an index finger buried knuckle-deep in his snout before.

Turns out these touchscreens are germ magnets.

Honestly, instead of using knuckles, you may as well pull down your trousers and tap out your Big Mac meal deal with your butt cheeks.

Cut out the middle man, so to speak.

My son replied that he’s looking forward to going to Phucket.

At least that’s what it sounded like.