"If you stare at the veins in certain cheeses you can see the future"

Columnist Steve Royle ponders what the future will hold for 2019.

By The Newsroom
Thursday, 10th January 2019, 2:31 pm
Steve Royle
Steve Royle

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making resolutions. As a result, I’m confused.

Have I succeeded or failed so far? I did consider running four miles a day throughout the year until I realised I’d be 1,460 miles away by December 31 and I have to be back in panto in Blackpool.

So what does the future hold?

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They used to say (whoever “they” are) that the only thing certain in life is death.

I think we should now add to that, Brexit negotiations.

I’m convinced they will go on forever. When the world eventually ends and only one Brit remains on the planet you can guarantee he or she will be still asking himself and all the cockroaches whether he should stay in Europe or not.

I’m joking of course, there are other things certain in this life; like when you collect a shopping trolley it will always have a wonky wheel. No matter which queue you join at the checkout the other queue will move faster. And, no matter how thoroughly you search your house for Christmas decorations before putting them back in the loft you will always find one hanging somewhere come the middle of March.

I did some research recently into various methods of divination.

It is amazing how people through the ages have attempted to predict their futures.

My favourite has to be “Tyromancy”, the use of cheese. Apparently if you stare at the veins in certain cheeses you can see the future.

I must say, it has always worked in my house. If I stare at a block of Stilton long enough I can guarantee I will soon run out of Stilton.

I guess a modern prophet would use more accurate food stuffs like alphabetti spaghetti – carefully deciphering codes that have formed on top of your toast. If you do try this however, don’t make the same mistake I did and use Spaghetti Hoops, my future was either exciting or scary depending on pronunciation. “Oooooooooo”?!?

There are some people who still use tea leaves to predict the future and I can’t help thinking how tea

bags have affected their forecasts. Maybe they hold them up like an old photographic slide to get a clearer picture?

The only thing I can say with certainty is we won’t run out of nail varnish and make-up in our house this year.

Living with a wife and three daughters, once again Christmas has produced more than its fair share of these image-altering products.

There is enough enamel in our house right now to refurbish a dozen bathroom suites and more make-up than backstage at a drag queen convention!

Don’t even get me started on candles; if our house caught fire it would take six months to burn down!

Whatever the future has in store I hope it’s a great 2019 for you all and that by this time next year we can all actually rediscover what politicians do when they are not chatting about Europe. But don’t hold your breath.