Roman bathhouse heaven: Palatial £1.3m mansion with 21 rooms and its own spa facilities
There's literally only one place to start. This house has a barn-sized room just dedicated to you being an absolute boss. Huge swimming pool - check. In-built sauna under some classy-looking Iron-Man's-house-style stairs - hell yes. Home gym up said stairs which overlooks the pool - you better believe it. I feel warm and healthy just looking at it, like a Californian with teeth as white as my bath robe.
As we've established, there's something about spas. They're so warm, but work best in places where you get the chance to indulge in a bit of schadenfreude by peering out at the cold. It's that contrast, that sense of 'Jeez, glad I'm in here; more steam, Julio,' that is the absolute best. And for that you need some big old glass-frontage, and this property has just that. Don't get too excited, but you're only about a million quid away from taking a dip in your heated swimming pool as you gaze at the wind-torn conifers in the garden.
Much like those glass-fronted hotels in the Lake District where you can see the steaming swimming pool from the roadside as you trudge along in the pelting rain while another family member tries to keep spirits up by naming the body of water you've just hiked past and the looming mountain you're about to scale as blood slowly fills your new Craghoppers, Quarry Lane has that come-hither feel to it.
Moving away from that spa-heavy luxury fantasy, there's what's know in layman's terms as "The Rest of the Home" also to be explored.
Stretching across three-storeys and boasting 21 rooms (if you count the gym and the sauna as separate rooms, that is, which - come on - you totally are: you're not an animal), Quarry Lane is a cry-inducingly cool house. Everything from the fact that it looks like it was designed by a Mediterranean architect who only ever wears tucked-in Oxford shirts and slip-ons, to its adorably quaint chocolate box front makes it the kind of home you want to take home to introduce to your parents over coffee.
High-vaulted and cross-crossed with wood beams, the home's main living room - one of five in the house - is massive. Got a big family? They'll fit. Got a small family, but a family full of big people? Still no worries. Blessed with a big family of big people? We got you. Relax. Put your huge feet up. Something from the kitchen will be ready soon. It's got an Aga and an island unit, didn't you know? Yeah...
Very much the type of home which you suspect has been on those niche home design programmes on Netflix (big up Piers Taylor and Caroline Quentin from World's Most Extraordinary Homes), Quarry Lane is scattered with gorgeous skylights and views, stunning fireplaces and charmingly anachronistic period features like carpet runners on the stairs. The ornate ceiling work and the funky carpets are enough to bring to mind that Futurama meme of Fry shouting "Shut up and take my money".
Out back, the sun room opens onto the gardens. I can see it now: sunshine, nice breeze, French doors flung open, crusty bread with balsamic vinegar and olive oil. If you're telling me you don't see it too, you really need to get on board. If not, go sulk in the beautifully-converted attic or one of the five tasteful bedrooms.
I'll level with everyone at this point: I'm still thinking about the pool room. Please, if any of you buy this house, invite me round.
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