Turning our canine Banksy into Da Vinci

One idea for this week’s column was to simply list all the things he’s destroyed in our house since October 29, 2015 but there’s only space for around 390 words and that wouldn’t even cover half of 
it.

It’s not that he’s a bad dog, far from it.

It’s just that he’s very clever, very strong-willed and, like many adolescents, knows how to play mum and dad off against each other.

You know when dogs tilt their heads from side-to-side when you talk to them in a certain way using buzz words such as “walk”, “ball”, and “lead” ?

Well, that’s them working out the angles.

We got a dog for the same reason that some brainless couples have a baby, because they think it will bring them closer together.

Ha!

What a load of rubbish that is on both counts.

Nothing drives a wedge between people quite like sleep deprivation, poo everywhere and your precious time stolen away from you.

We’ve had loads of dogs but none so challenging as Walter, or Prince Walter as he likes to be called. Basically he thinks he’s top dog and we are his loyal subjects.

The boss read up on this and learned that if your dog displays any of the following types of behaviour then he thinks he is higher in the pecking order than you.

Here we go – grumbles when moved (check); hanging on to objects such as his ball/stolen £20 Yankee Candle/cushion emptied of stuffing (check); persistently nudging people with his long, beaky snout (check); getting back at you by piddling on the floor/chewing (check) and staying just out of reach (check, full house. Bingo!).

If he’s doing these things then he’s carrying out his role as leader as we (that’s me, by the way) haven’t assumed the role and told him who’s boss.

Honestly, Charlie Brooker and Chris Morris couldn’t write some of the stuff Walter’s done, their combined imaginations aren’t vast enough.

He’s the Banksy of the dog world and we’ve got to turn him into Da Vinci.