Some arguments we’ll never win

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Like all faithful contrarians, I like a row.

I do enjoy a debate – the more heated the better. When the mood takes me, I will argue about almost anything: who was the best Bond, who is the greatest footballer ever, and, the biggest talking point– ketchup or brown sauce?

But trivial culinary matters have taken a backseat, largely due to seismic news events such as Brexit and Trump. I would go as far as saying that, after the initial kick in the teeth of both political earthquakes, my willingness to argue the toss has become even stronger. The chaos unravelling has resulted in something of a golden age for wind-up merchants such as me. The internet has allowed people like me to fall out with cranky strangers. Technology has broadened our horizons when it comes to falling out with fellow man and has allowed me to hone my debating skills.

But there is one place where I am most certainly the underdog when it comes to arguing the toss: across the threshold of my own home.

And it appears I am not on my own, if you believe the findings of the latest silly season survey, which reveals that the average couple have an impressive 30 arguments a year over who is the last to leave the house.

For the past 20 years, I have been on a continuous hiding to nothing when it comes to the thorny issue of who was ready first. It doesn’t matter if I have had my coat and shoes on for half an hour and have watched the beginning of Holby City while the other half changes her top for the eighth time, what matters is who is out the door first and when you are halfway through the BBC’s second best hospital-based drama, it is easy to be distracted.

What this not-so-scientific study also reveals is that the bickering increases when the holiday season begins. The average man is never in any particular rush to catch a flight, even less so when there is an opportunity to enjoy the first over-priced drink of the holiday in the airport bar. My holiday begins once the luggage is checked in, while Mrs Tapp will only unwind once we have reached our destination and the kids are in bed. There are some arguments we are destined never to win.