Ready for murder on the Express

But you can always count on your fellow passengers to make an unbearable situation 10 times worse.

Here’s a list of some of the characters you’ll meet on the railways, if your train actually turns up, which if you’ve booked a ticket with Northern or TransPennine Express, there’s no guarantee it will.

1. The Noisy Eater. The pig-ignorant mouth-breather who thinks it’s okay to chew his food with such force it sounds like an army marching across gravel. It isn’t. Catch me on a bad day, buddy, and they’ll be talking about us both on News At Ten all week.

2. The Train Guy. Popularised by Bob Mortimer, this self-important nimrod is more than happy to conduct his private business in public by bellowing what you’d imagine to be pretty sensitive information down his mobile to another Nathan Barley clone on the other end. Yes mate, we can all hear about your high-powered job. And so can any of your rivals within earshot.

3. The Over-Indulged Child Who Plays His Mum Like A Fiddle. The reason noise-cancelling headphones were invented. Even if they cost £500, they pay for themselves the first time you encounter this 3ft bundle of rage.

4. People Who Eat Food That Stinks Like A Dead Dog. There’s a reason we’re not allowed to carry handguns in this country and it’s because of people like you.

5. The Cough Olympians. Well done you for dragging yourself into work like the burning martyr you are. And thanks for coughing your guts up over everyone and giving us all what you’ve got.

6. The Boorish Drunk. It takes effort and dedication to be that inebriated while you can still taste your toothpaste.

7. Chatty People In The Quiet Carriage. The lowest of the low. I know you’re excited to get out of the house but the clue’s in the name.

Unless you want me to break wind extravagantly as I walk past when leaving the train, pipe down.