The most accurate way to describe living in a house with a wife and two teenage daughters is that it’s like being a roadie for a world tour of The Vagina Monologues.
You get to hear about everything that’s going on pretty much first-hand every night during the performance but your opinion doesn’t count for diddly-squat.
If I switch on the TV to watch something that isn’t Coronation Street, some boring costume drama, anything with Sheridan Smith in it or Dance Moms, then there are howls of protest and derision followed by stern looks and tutting.
But like every man in a houseful of women I know my place, in my case sixth. After the boss, daughter no.1, daughter no.2, the two cats in joint fourth and then yours truly. Since our goldfish died five years ago I’ve been rock bottom.
Still, it’s better to keep your trap shut and be thought of as an idiot rather than to open it and prove everybody right.
Step forward the Football Association which scored a spectacular own goal on Twitter this week when it tweeted (and swiftly deleted) of the England women’s football team who got to the semi-final of the World Cup: “Our Lionesses go back to being mothers, partners and daughters today, but they have taken on another title – heroes.”
The FA might as well have said: “You’ve neglected your kids. And your husbands have had to make their own dinner for a month. Get back in that kitchen.”
Lads, would you dare say that to the women you live with?
Our house would have camera crews around it within the hour and we’d be on the news if I did.
But if our family were a whoop of gorillas then, thanks to some recent behaviour, David Attenborough would get a whole series out of watching us for a week.
There is a power battle for supremacy going on between the two alpha females at Who’s The Daddy Towers and as a minion I get to keep well out of it.
Fifteen-year-old girls think they know everything. And they aren’t shy about letting everyone in earshot know.
But if you’re going to take a shot at the queen then you’d better not miss. And the queen of this house intends on reigning for some time yet.
Columnist Barry Freeman is away.