My lippy colleague is all mouth

Aasma Day
Aasma Day
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We’ve all heard of shoe sizes, dress sizes and bra sizes… but did you know mouths came in actual sizes too?

I’m not talking about in a vague or general sense such as “mouths come in a variety of shapes and sizes” as apparently there is an actual scale reflecting how big your mouth is.

I kid you not – this nugget of information came straight from a medic’s (normal-sized) mouth.

This fascinating fact wasn’t revealed to me personally, but to one of my friends after she went into hospital for an op.

This wouldn’t have been as strange if my friend had actually gone into hospital for a procedure related to her mouth – but she didn’t.

Instead, the anaesthetist came to talk to her and carry out some pre-operative checks which included asking her if she had any fillings and asking her to open her mouth wide.

As she performed the latter, the doc remarked: “You’ve got a big mouth.”

My friend tittered as this wasn’t the first time she’d been told this. “No, no,” protested the anaesthetist.

“I mean you’ve actually got a clinically big mouth.”

He then proceeded to tell her there was a clinical scale of one to four when it came to mouths – and my dear friend’s fell into the biggest category.

My friend recovered well from her op, and then made the large mistake of telling us about her “clinically” large mouth.

Oh, how we laughed. And we haven’t stopped laughing since.

Especially since our friend made things worse for herself with a further confession that she always realised she had a larger mouth than most when she found she could fit her entire fist into it.

However much we begged her, she refused to show us her party trick.

Talk turned to celebrities with big mouths and our friend told us people had compared her to comedian Miranda Hart.

We then pondered which wide-mouthed celebrity our friend looked like most and she looked pretty chuffed when one of us said she looked like actress Julia Roberts.

She didn’t look quite so chuffed a few minutes later when inspiration struck me and I exclaimed: “I know who you remind me of!”

Who, she asked suspiciously with narrowed eyes.

“A muppet!” I told her delightedly.

After we’d stopped rolling round the floor in mirth, I hastened to explain I didn’t think she looked like any particular muppet per se such as Miss Piggy or Kermit The Frog, but that her wide-mouthed grin just reminded me of The Muppets in general. Any of them.

As well as Julia Roberts, there’s plenty of other big- mouthed celebs. Cameron Diaz, Hilary Swank and Eddie Murphy to name just a few.

And of course, who could forget old rubber lips himself, Mick Jagger.

Singer Carly Simon also has a very large mouth and once dated fellow big mouth Mick Jagger, and people have even speculated that her song You’re So Vain was about him.

Imagine how big the mouth on their love child would have been.

Speaking of that wide-mouthed beauty Julia Roberts, romantic comedy Pretty Woman which was once my all-time favourite film, has just celebrated its 25th anniversary.

And among the celebrations, it emerged that the fairytale ending of the film starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere would have been completely different if it had stuck to the original version written by the scriptwriter.

The original script was dark and gritty and instead of having the magical ending where the improbable couple set off into the sunset together, prostitute Vivian and her friend head off to Disneyland to spend the money Vivian earned after a week with wealthy businessman Edward.

The script also portrayed Vivian as a drug addict and, instead of being a knight in shining armour who accidentally stumbles upon prostitute Vivian while asking for directions, Edward is very much on the hunt for a hooker when he finds Vivian.

As for that wonderful shopping scene where Vivian goes on a massive shopping spree funded by Edward’s credit card to the soundtrack of Roy Orbison’s Pretty Woman – it never existed in the original script.

Even though it sounds like the initial script was probably truer to life than the eventual film, I am so glad it was majorly re-written to become a rom-com.

On clocking the original script, even Julia Roberts is said to have described it as a “really dark and depressing, horrible, terrible story about two horrible people”.

I mean, who wants to watch that?

I think it’s safe to say Pretty Woman would never have been the hit it was if it had stuck to the dark and gritty storyline.

In fact it would have been a big mistake. HUGE mistake.

A mistake of even more gigantic proportions than Julia Roberts’ mouth.