Happy birthday the party season is all over

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Well done if you are reading this - to get to the newsagents (or switch on the laptop) is one heck of an achievement on New Year’s Day.

In fact doing anything apart from brushing your teeth (which, in my book, has always been optional) on the first day of the year deserves a big pat on the back. New Year’s Day was made for watching darts, the World’s Strongest Man and going back to bed and quite frankly the rest of the month goes quickly down hill from here.

Can there be a more miserable month than January? If December, with its parties, reunions, family time and presents is the Monte Carlo of all months, then January, with its bleak weather, crap telly and monstrous credit card bills, is the calendar’s equivalent of Cleethorpes.

It is the month without hope, when every worker, almost without exception, trudges back into the office without any prospect of a break until at least February because the last of their days off was frittered away on an impromptu pre-Christmas trip to the Trafford Centre.

Can there be anything more depressing than a miserable looking Christmas Tree on the fourth or fifth or January, spewing needles on to the shag pile?

The inevitable removal of the festive decorations is an off-tune fanfare for the most boring time of the year, a period during which a detox is obligatory and we all dream of a week of all-inclusive fun in Lanzarote.

I should love January as it is the very month that I inflicted myself on the planet but, the odd exception aside, birthday celebrations in early January are as exciting as women’s tennis.

The main problems with having a birthday just after the New Year celebrations centre around the fact that the prospect of yet more booze would make the hardiest of souls retch and nobody has got any money, even if they did want to go out.

Yes, you are right to detect more than a hint of bitterness as I am firmly of the belief that responsible couples should not indulge in unprotected copulation during late March or April, thus sparing their offspring from a lifetime of dull January birthdays.

The only way to solve this nationwide torpor would be for the Government to close the country for January in its entirety and allow us to start again in February.

At least we would lose this hangover.