My birthday present is a spy

The house felt like a home again instead of an animal sanctuary run by a middle-aged couple.

And they bought me a special present for last month’s landmark birthday, a figure we don’t mention because it is so large.

I knew something was up when they handed it over, laughed and stood well back. Turns out it was one of those home surveillance systems that listen to your every word, and products you mention in passing mysteriously appear on screen next time you log on to the Internet.

Oh, and it also plays any music you ask it to, tells you the weather, what’s in the news and a recipe for Thai vegetable curry - made it on Monday, delicious.

The kids bought it for me because I’ve been banging on for years about how I’d never have one in the house.

If the East German Stasi had access to this technology 40 years ago, the Berlin Wall would still be up.

There’s an episode of Parks & Recreation where Ron Swanson (the man we all aspire to be) calls his 20-something assistant April into his office after an advert with his name on it appears on his PC after he was trying to buy a hand-crafted mahogany wood model of a B-25 Mitchell Panchito aircraft off the Internet.

He’s horrified when April tells him about cookies, that when you buy stuff off a website it’ll remember you and create adverts for other things you might want to buy.

Ron is less than happy about this gross invasion of privacy.

And when April tells him if he thinks that’s bad then go to Google Earth and type in his address, the next scene cuts to Ron angrily hurling his computer into a skip.

Honestly, I trust these things as far as I can throw them, and seeing as how they weigh a couple of pounds and fit neatly into the palm of your hand – I’d say that’s probably about 40 yards.

The boss and the kids love it. I make a point of switching it off at the wall every time I walk into the room.