Making plans for self-isolation

Last week’s column may have left some readers with the impression that Who’s The Daddy? is a technophobe who is terrified of the internet.
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Nothing could be further from the truth, as the fall-out from the coronavirus outbreak and subsequent stock market meltdown will prove. Smartphones are incredible things. Even my steam-powered model which came out way back in 2016 has come in pretty handy in some tight spots over the last few weeks.

Where better, than sitting on the toilet with your trousers around your ankles, to check on your once healthy stocks and shares ISA and watch all its carefully accrued gains and every penny of this year’s investments evaporate in fewer than three weeks of panicky trading – with worse to come? It’s the most hygienic and practical venue I can think of.

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And what with lunatics panic buying toilet paper, stripping supermarket shelves like swarms of petrified, incontinent locusts, even that simple pleasure looks like it could be denied me as they stockpile enough bog roll to built a child’s fort. Seriously, stockpiling toilet paper. Is this what we’ve become? I hope the packet comes with instructions on which end to wipe because the mouthbreathers who’ve bought it all just might need a little guidance.

Like everyone else, I’ve no idea what to make of this virus.

The grown-ups who actually know what they’re doing appear to have elbowed the politicians to one side and are running the show now.

But when Italy, one of the richest and most successful countries in the world goes into lockdown, it makes you think this is a bit more serious than the elaborate Russian flu and dodgy vaccine scam in Utopia.

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Like every business in the country, the one I work for in the day job has made contingency plans. Personally, I’d love nothing more than to self-isolate for a fortnight with a big pile of records and a few dozen bottles of lovely Rioja and wait for it all to blow over. Maybe that’s what I’ll panic buy, red wine and vinyl.

Sounds like a plan. What do you reckon?

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