Don't drown while doing your downward dog
I balance carefully on my knees and hands, pulling in my core muscles, while a tiny goat balances on its little trotters on my back..
Nah, me either.
But with the UK fitness industry valued at £4.7 billion and with one in seven of us a member of a gym (according to the 2017 State of UK Fitness Industry report), it hardly surprising competition is at an all-time high - and novelty measures to pull in the punters either inspired or reeking of desperation - depending on which way you look at it.
Goat yoga is one of the latest truly bonkers trends to hit the fitness market, only slightly outshining Doga (yoga with you’ve guessed it..) in its true weirdness.
Animal related yogas are merely the tip of the iceberg.
With pole fitness and trampoline aerobics now old hat, fitness franchises have had to think sideways, up in the air and underwater.
Alien yoga where you pull your stomach into weird contortions then compare on Instagram.
Cycle karaoke with the lyrics on the screen in the spin class.
Crawling fitness, a toddler -inspired trend to reset bodies by making like children on your knees or hovering just above the mat.
Mermaid classes, a twist on aqua fitness wearing colourful mermaid tail for an all-body workout.
To me, skateboard pilates sounds a little dangerous if your balance is like mine, not exactly centred.
Same for sandbox fitness which involves a surfboard in a sandbox and you will not be catching me at Kangoo where, need I explain, you enjoy high intensity physical jerks while bouncing up and down like a Kangaroo.
It originated in Australia, obvs.
Less crazy-sounding, perhaps, is a water HIIT (high intensity interval training) workout,a class previously associated with old ladies in bobbly swimming caps but given a hardcore makeover.
Again water-related, floating yoga sounds fairly relaxing unless your downward dog results in drowning.
Much more up my street are the internet-inspired Beer Yoga and double gin circuits, although I may have made the latter up in optimism.
(You are welcome fitness industry, I’ll just take a 10% cut)
In fact, I may even pull a double and follow it up with napercise.