5p? We have it in the bag...

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Would you like a bag?

Considering I had just spent £120 on a pair of trainers for my son, a bag was the least of my worries.

For that amount of cash, I didn’t just want a bag, I wanted my path to the shop exit sprinkled with rose petals.

The staff could also form a guard of honour, piping me to the exit doors before carrying me on their shoulders to my car.

If that’s not too much to ask.

“That’ll be 5p,” the shop assistant told me.

“For the bag.”

Such is the odd state of play in this society today, I found it easier to part with the £120 for a pair of monstrous trainers than 5p for a plastic bag.

I balked at the bag.

As I’ve said before, buying a plastic bag when shopping is the modern equivalent of a billionaire tycoon lighting his cigar with a ten dollar bill.

It’s a sign that you have more money than sense.

Obviously there are environmental considerations.

That said, with the masses of plastic detritus floating in our seas and rivers, creatures will eventually adapt to their new surroundings.

Evolution will ensure that fish and sea mammals will learn to use the rubbish we have dumped in our waterways. Just as the giraffe evolved a long neck to nibble food from the highest branches, so in years to come lobsters will no doubt evolve nimble fingers to carry their young in plastic Aldi shopping bags.

In the meantime, it’s probably best to limit our plastic bag use.

I’ve taken to wearing trousers with specially designed pockets.

They are extra large pockets, about the depth of a typical shopping bag.

It means that, should I forget my bag for life to collect my shopping, I can use the giant trouser pockets.

The only awkward part of these wonder consumer pockets, is when the check-out lady asks: “Do you need help packing?”

I always answer “Yes”. Raising my arms in the air and crying “Fill her up!”