15 of Peter Kay's funniest jokes, one-liners and quips

Laugh till you're sore with 15 of Peter Kay's best jokes.

Monday, 11th March 2019, 10:47 am
Updated Monday, 11th March 2019, 11:53 am
Peter Kay is one of the North West's finest comics.

We compiled some of the North West comedian's funniest one-liners.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

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Theres no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when your hand or head is stuck in something.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, Sorry we dont serve food in here.'
So this bloke says to me, Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets? I thought, Thats all I need a Je-hoovers witness.'
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, Hes trying to pull a fast one.'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesnt work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
A friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library. He was lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said, Shh!'
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, Thats a turtle disaster.'
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I dont get on with my real ladder.
So I went down the local supermarket. I said, I want to make a complaint this vinegars got lumps in it. He said, Those are pickled onions.'
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says, Ill serve you, but dont start anything.'
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.