The chavs and the chav nots...

Last April, Nelson, the star of Simon’s Well Good Show, put his name forward in the South Shields by-election for David Miliband’s seat in parliament.

He launched his Well Good Party on the steps of South Shields’ Town Hall, and outlined his 17-point manifesto for “a Well Great Britain”.

His policies included issuing each child with scratch cards at birth and upping the recommended daily allowances for alcohol.

Nelson said: “I want to be your next MP, I want to serve the constituents, better the lives of the people of Great Britain; but mainly, like every other MP, to get 65 grand a year, a second home and anything I can get away with on expenses.”

In character, Nelson added: “One of the Miliband twins, I ain’t sure which one, has abandoned you to take a gap year in America. Which means he’ll be in South Shields just as often as he was before.

“I’m here now, and I spent all morning speaking to real people on the streets of the North East and I can tell you now – I didn’t understand a word they said.”

He withdrew from the election race the same day.

The comedian was arrested at Goodison Park in March 2013 for warming up alongside Manchester City players as another of his characters, footballer Jason Bent.

Brodkin was also thrown out of Madame Tussauds for trying to install a waxwork of himself, and staged a spoof shoplifting of his own DVD – only to be apprehended by a police community support officer.

Interview

1) With the European election approaching, would you consider standing and what would your policies be?

Yeah, I’d love to have a go. We’ve got to keep the pound. Can you imagine going into a British supermarket and having to ask for a euro of sausages? It just doesn’t seem right.

2) You’ve also talked about Scottish independence – how’s your Campaign for UK unity going?

Very well thank you – they still haven’t left. I think if Scottish people vote to leave England they’re going to regret it when they sober up.

3) You nearly stood for Parliament as Lee Nelson’s Well Good Party. Why did you withdraw?

The bbc asked me to pull out cos you’re not allowed to stand as an MP if you’ve got a telly programme on the BBC. I thought it was a stupid rule at the time but I now realize it’s there to stop Jeremy Clarkson ever getting into power.

4) Do you see yourself as a career politician and what would you bring to the democratic table?

I’ve got nothing to bring to the democratic table but I would love the 60 grand a year and I’d be very good at fiddling my expenses.

5) Have you been to Preston/Lancashire before – what do you make of Lancastrians?

I loved it, everyone’s so friendly and happy – I still can’t work out why.

6) Have you ever been to Leigh (Lee) near Wigan or Nelson in Lancashire?

Course, that’s where my parents did a Posh n Becks and named me 
after where they done it

7) Have you been to Blackpool?

I’ve been to three stag do’s there, unfortunately I can’t remember a single thing

8) You lived in Manchester – what do you make of a place that believes it’s the capital of the north?

They believe a lot of things up there, they’re off their head most of the time

9) Have you ever eaten black pudding or tripe?

No but I’m up for trying anything once with a girl.

10) Have you a plan B for when you’re older? And what it is?

I hope the comedy carries on for as long as possible but if I have to go back to robbing then so be it.

11) What question haven’t we asked that you’d like to give an answer to?

What’s the capital of France?

12) You have a son called Stairwell. This week reports said ancient names are the next big thing – any take your fancy?

I think changing his name now will just confuse the lad.