Now that’s no longer what I would call music

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There was a time when the easy way to nobble an out-of-touch politician was to ask them the price of a pint of milk and who was at number one.

It seems once idiot proof test of popular culture is now obsolete due to the fact everyone seems determined to pay no more than a quid for four pints of the white stuff and that the Hit Parade is a pale imitation of what it once was.

I speak as someone who used to pray at the altar of Bruno Brookes and record the show religiously every Sunday - I am sure it is okay to confess to this crime against copyright two decades after the fact but if I am not here next week feel free to start a #JusticeforFatty campaign.

But those memories of being locked in my bedroom sweating over whether Go West would chart above Robert Palmer were sullied forever when I tuned into the Top 40 show at the weekend. Left in something of a pickle by the fact Radio 4 appeared to be shut, I scoured the airwaves for something to provide the soundtrack to a lengthy drive home and settled on Radio One - a station I have not listened to since I last saw my feet.

The last few days really have been a voyage of discovery as I also heard about a not very funny young chap called Dapper Laughs - the ‘comic’ creation whose show was canned following complaints that he is a misogynistic lout. I watched some of his stuff and I didn’t laugh once - not even a hint of a smile. But buoyed by this discovery of something new I decided to take the plunge and find out what the Great British music buying public are listening to this week.

During my 90 minutes in the company of a very enthusiastic DJ I was surprised to discover I had heard of some of the acts and even some of the tunes, but what struck me was how tired it all sounded.

Several artists had multiple tracks in the chart, which rarely happened in the good old days when record companies staggered releases so daft fans would cheerily buy both singles and the album containing those hits.

I also heard three appalling cover versions and most of the hits, even the new releases, appear to have been used on supermarket adverts and Match of the Day.

The charts were once the number one topic of conversation in the playground each Monday but I doubt they get a mention today. Never mind the politicians, most people would struggle to name the number one tune.